The Art of Despair


Phoenix Wright

(Wow, that battle was tough… thought it would never end…)

Monokuma

Ba, ba ba ba ba… ba ba! Ba ba!

DJ Professor K

… You did a damn good job, you two.

Phoenix Wright

Same to you, Professor.

Monokuma

Upupupup.. Upupupupup…

*Monokuma giggles*
Phoenix Wright

(*sigh*… Just a little longer before this is all over…)

Monokuma

Upupupupupup, Okay! I’ve decided! That match was so much fun that we should do it again!

Phoenix Wright

Are you kidding? I’m exhausted, We’ve been fighting for 24 hours now!

DJ Professor K

Hey, Mr. Wright. You’d best be ignoring that bear, I doubt he has anything worthwhile to say.

Monokuma

Wha?? On the contrary! Everything I say has importance!

Phoenix Wright

Then what about the time you sai-

Monokuma

YOU PROMISED NOT TO MENTION THAT EVER HAPPENED.

Phoenix Wright

That’s what I thought.

DJ Professor K

Mr. Wright, you lookin’ mighty tired. It may be best for you to head in for the night. You can just wake up to the results.

Phoenix Wright

Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you two later then.

Monokuma

Awe, leaving so soon? Nighty night, Nickie!!

Phoenix Wright

And don’t let the bedbugs bite, right?

Monokuma

Phuhuhuhu!!

Phoenix Wright

*groan*… good night.

*Phoenix leaves. Monokuma and Professor K sit together, alone. Professor K is holding his microphone, twidling with the on/off switch. Click, click, click, click. Monokuma looks at Professor K gleefully. *
Monokuma

… So. You ready? It’s time to give those fans what they really want!

Monokuma

The conclusion of our rivalry! You, the heroic protagonist! Me, the fearful, handsome antagonist! Finally going head to head, trying to outsmart the other. A TRUE anime story arc!

DJ Professor K

You should go to bed too.

Monokuma

Oh, come on… let’s put some resolution to that narrative they’ve made for us!

DJ Professor K

“They”?

Monokuma

Our beloved fans! They see YOU as the “protagonist” of the entire tournament! Didn’t you know?

*Click, click, click, click, click.*
Monokuma

Phuhuhuhuhu….

DJ Professor K

We’ll see who’s laughing tomorrow after the results are released.

Monokuma

Oh come on now. Results? Who cares about results? Results, reschmults! Let’s get some clout the old fashioned way! Come on, have at me with some of that juicy motivational sweet-talk! Make me shudder, make me swoon! Make me optimistic for the future!

DJ Professor K

There’s a time and place for everything, bear.

Monokuma

Grrrrrrr, come on! Give me SOMETHING to work with! I’m trying to do you a favor!

DJ Professor K

You never shut the fuck up, do you?

Monokuma

Oh? What’s that? Is that anger I hear? Yes… Yes! Give us more, more, more!

DJ Professor K

We’ve been at it for 24 hours. Ain’t you tired?

Monokuma

Are you kidding? I’m just getting started!

DJ Professor K

Go to bed. You’re annoying me.

Monokuma

Hm? Then why haven’t YOU gone to bed? Answer me that, smart-ass!

Monokuma

Don’t try and deny it. You little attention seeker you… You need this as much as I do. So let’s settle this. Right here, right now!

*Click, click, click.*
Monokuma

Oo Ooo Ooooo! Do you need some ideas? I have a million!! How about a gun duel? Or a stabby stabby? A strangling contest! Russian Roulette! A-

DJ Professor K

I concede.

Monokuma

Say wha…?

DJ Professor K

Whatever rivalry you have in mind, I concede. I give up. You win.

Monokuma

Wha- Hey! You can’t do that!

DJ Professor K

No, I mean it, bear. You win. You’ve won me over. What you said the other day got me real good. It got me thinkin’, especially during this match. I’m done trying to win this. I don’t want it no more. I don’t need no crown. Being in the spotlight again was just a pipe dream. My prime time has already come and gone. I don’t belong here anyway, my home was and always will be Tokyo-to. I’m old, it’s time for me and my kind of groove to move on. Some player out there with less age and more style could do this tournament way better than I can. Like you and that lawyer, or maybe that young funky chick, I don’t know. But I can’t give a damn no more. You win, bear, I accept defeat. Congratulations.

DJ Professor K

You happy? Go to bed now. You’ve done your job. You’re mo’ popular than me anyways, I’m sure you’ll get the vote. Good luck against whomever wins that losers bracket. I’m sure you’ll beat ‘em.

*Professor K gets up to leave.*
Monokuma

H-h-hey! No! We’re not finished here yet!

DJ Professor K

You’ve got your win. Take it and go, bear.

Monokuma

Winning? GNAAAA! I don’t care about winning! If I cared about “winning” I would have paired up with some other chump! Like maybe that Monika chick, she’s hot and popular! They would have gone crazy over us! We would have swept the entire tournament! No, winning is BORING! You know what’s better? LOSING! Oh, the despair! So awful! The terror! The chills, the thrills! To get this far and to lose to you? I would be the happiest bear in the world!

DJ Professor K

Will you shut your fuckin’ mouth already?

*Monokuma throws Professor K a loaded gun.*
Monokuma

You want me to shut up? To go to bed? Well go ahead, do me in! Shoot me! You know you want to! Do it, do it, do it!

*Professor K throws the gun aside.*
DJ Professor K

I’m not shooting some dumb ass animatronic bear for your amusement.

Monokuma

Alright then, I’ll do you one better!

*Monokuma throws Professor K a small remote with a single red button on it labeled “KA-BOOM!”.*
Monokuma

That button you’re holding is connected to an explosive that I have strapped to… well… Let’s just say… You know what.

DJ Professor K

… “You know what.”?

Monokuma

Yes. You know what.

DJ Professor K

… So what, it’s strapped to your dick or somethin’? I’m not followin’.

Monokuma

No! Get your mind out of the gutter! My REAL body! The real me! Push that button and the real me will be blown away to smithereens! The glorious Monokuma will disappear without a trace… and if I win our stupid little battle, the illustrious Law and Disorder duo will have no choice but to disband and exit the tournament, putting you back on the path to sweet victory to the REAL final battle!

DJ Professor K

How the hell does that messed up head of yours see me pressin’ this? I’m no killer, ass-hat.

Monokuma

You’re no killer?! Ha! EVERYONE is a killer! They just don’t know it yet! Murder is the simplest of all solutions, it’s a shame that most people just don’t have the guts to try it! Somebody in your way of something you want? Kill ‘em! Somebody doing something that isn’t right? Kill ‘em! Somebody “messing with your groove”? KILL ‘EM! It’s a hell of a lot easier than trying to get them to do what you want, that’s for sure! But here’s the best part: I’m giving you a once-in-a-life-time chance to get away with it scott free! Do you know how many people would pay millions for this? And even better yet, I’m giving you PERMISSION to kill me! What fun!

Monokuma

So what are you waiting for? DO IT!!!

Monokuma

Press the damn button you fartbag, or I’ll press it FOR YOU!!

DJ Professor K

…You’re mad.

Monokuma

I AM mad! Mad that you’re not pressing that button!!

DJ Professor K

… You’re playin’ with fire, bear.

Monokuma

Hmmmmmm?

DJ Professor K

The fuck do you think I was broadcasting all that time on that radio? I grew up in a gang. I ain’t no stranger to murder, if this is some sick ass joke you need to back the fuck down now.

Monokuma

This is no joke! Bear’s honor!

DJ Professor K

… So if I press this… You’ll die?

Monokuma

Yep! Dead as a doornail!

*Silence. Monokuma trembles with pleasure. Professor K’s finger hovers over the button.* *Professor K carefully places the remote down.*
DJ Professor K

Not today, bear.

Monokuma

Oh, phooey…

DJ Professor K

I won’t lie, I hate yo’ guts. The world would be a much betta’ place without you. But there’s no way I’ll ever bother stoopin’ down to a level as low as yours.

*Professor K starts off to his room.*
DJ Professor K

I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

Monokuma

You sure? This is a one-time offer that doesn’t stand tomorrow!

DJ Professor K

Fuck off, bear. Goodnight.

Monokuma

Alrighty then! Enjoy being a loser for the rest of your life!

DJ Professor K

A loser? Heh.

*Professor K looks at his microphone. It’s the same one he’s used his entire career. Professor K smiles at it.*
DJ Professor K

That’s where you’re wrong, bear.

*He turns around.*
DJ Professor K

I’ve already gotten my win.

*Professor K goes off to bed, twirling his microphone between his fingers.*